After having an affair, you may feel a mix of guilt, anger, regret, and other emotions.
Photo by @felipepelaquim on UnsplashYou can't change what you've done. However, you can control how you handle the situation and move forward in the future.
Taking responsibility for your actions, understanding your partner's feelings, and changing your behavior will help you recover from an affair after you have cheated.
1. Apologize
After having an affair, you need to begin by giving a sincere apology to your partner.
In a sincere apology, you:
Take responsibility for your actions.
Acknowledge how you made your partner feel.
Make a real promise to change.
Take Responsibility
When we're in the wrong, our natural reaction may be to try to defend ourselves. However, you can't try to deflect or make excuses for your actions. Owning up to what you've done is a key step that will help you and your partner recover from an affair.
SAY: "What I did was wrong, and I am truly sorry." 💬
Simply state that you made a mistake and that you regret it.
DON'T SAY: "Sorry, but it wasn't my fault." ⛔
This isn't an apology because you're blaming someone else.
Acknowledge Your Partner's Feelings
Put yourself in your partner's shoes to understand how they feel. Let them know you understand how you hurt them.
SAY: "I understand how my actions hurt you." 💬
This shows that you know that your actions directly hurt your partner.
DO NOT SAY: "I'm sorry you feel that way." ⛔
This shifts the blame to your partner's feelings, rather than your own actions.
Quiz
Which of these statements that you should use in your apology? Select all that apply;
2. Admit Your Mistakes
After apologizing, you need to own up to everything that you did. There's no way you can move forward in your relationship unless you're open and honest.
During your conversation with your partner:
Use a calm voice.
Be honest about everything that happened.
Listen to your partner's reaction.
Be open to answering questions from your partner.
3. Let Your Partner Respond
After you apologize and communicate what happened to your partner, it's up to them to respond in their own way.
Your partner may decide to break up, take a break, or continue your relationship. No matter how they choose to recover from the affair, you need to accept and respect their decision.
If your partner decides to break up...
Self-reflect: Consider going to therapy to understand why you cheated.
Try to grow: Think about what you can learn from this experience.
Respect boundaries: Don't try to reconnect with your ex-partner.
If your partner decides to take a break...
Give them space: Let your partner think and make a decision on their own.
Wait: Your partner will talk to you when they're ready. Do not pressure them.
Stay committed: Learn from Ross and Rachel on Friends and stay faithful to your partner unless they confirm the relationship is over.
If your partner decides to continue the relationship...
Rebuild trust: Prove to your partner that you will be honest going forward.
Talk it through: Consider couples therapy so you can express both of your feelings.
Stop contact with the other person: Don't try to see or talk to the person you were having an affair with.
Photo by Imam Fadly on UnsplashQuiz
Your partner decides to take a break from your relationship after you admit your affair. What should you NOT do? Choose all that apply:
4. Make a Change
No matter how your partner decides to move forward, do what you can to not make the same mistake again.
Sit with Your Guilt for a Bit
Feeling guilty about your mistakes isn't fun, but it shows that you regret your mistakes. Think about how your actions affected another person and how you can avoid making the same choices in the future.
Photo by Ethan Sykes on UnsplashFigure Out Why You Cheated
Think about the cause of your decision to have an affair. Ask yourself it was because of:
personal insecurities
past trauma or experiences
issues in the relationship
genuine feelings for another person
Grow and Take Care of Yourself
It is okay to feel guilty for your mistake, but don't let it take over. Engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends and family.
Consider talking to a therapist to dive deeper into the root cause of your behavior and grow as a person. Use this International Therapist Directory to help find the right therapist who can help you recover from the affair.
Take Action
It's time to make a real change and learn from your mistakes! Check out these resources to figure out the best ways to recover from an affair:
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